So in case you weren’t aware of my plans, I’m going travelling. Not my usual month here or there, or a quick weekend trip. I’ve quit my job, I’ve just moved the last of my furniture out of the flat I’ve been living in for three years.
I’m back with my parents and younger siblings for a month or so before I head off. Obviously I’m thankful and I love them, but it’s so strange to be back home. Re-adjusting to rules, and interacting with other people constantly when you’re used to living my yourself or with one other person.
It’s strange to leave the flat that I’ve inhabited for the last several years, the cosy imperfect little haven that allowed me to save and travel and enjoy myself. It will be odd to not have it there, waiting for me if I come back. Whereas before, I would make the journey home, open the door, and everything would be just as I had left it, I would flop down onto my own bed, pack my things away into my wardrobe and make a cup of tea in the mug I was given for my birthday.
Whilst I am excited, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pretty terrified, and I have yet to come up with a concrete plan. It feels like it’s happened so suddenly, the time has passed so quickly, and now I’m standing on a precipice about to jump thinking “Oh crap, how did I get here? What have I done?”
I question myself but it really is a bit too late to go back on it now, not that I want to.
It’s something I have always dreamed of doing but it feels so unreal that I am actually about to do it.
A lot of people make comments because I’m clumsy and forgetful, about how I shouldn’t go, about how I will fail, get lost, get robbed, get attacked.
I’m trying very hard not to let the seeds of doubt creep in again like they did once before. The difference between now and my younger self is that I have developed more confidence, and it’s still growing, despite the knocks.
I have been for a while now, trying to push myself in any little way that I can, out of my comfort zone, to push myself to keep growing and get enough confidence to do this by myself.
Luckily I have some people that do believe in me, encourage me, and cheer me on.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all get into that mindset? Rather than be jealous or bitter or make cruel jokes – lift others up, appreciate and encourage them, congratulate them when they’ve achieved something or make them feel that they can achieve something.
My point was that it feels like I’ve taken a step back, having successfully survived independently, to living back at home; I cannot help but feel a bit of a failure in some ways that I’ve had to accept help. I’ve always wanted to do everything off my own back.
It feels odd being back in the family household when you’re no longer a child.
But sometimes one must take a step back in order to move forwards.